Wedding Troubles. Please can you help?

Hello, this is a long one but PLEAAASSSSE help if you can.





More than anything I want a big, white wedding, a dress, bridesmaids, hotel reception, flower centrepieces, wedding gifts etc. But my Mum and Dad are divorced and I CANNOT have them in the same room. I know a lot of people will say "just talk to them, they'll be civil for one day!" But they WON'T. My mum's husband threatened to kill my Dad as did my Mum's bro. My Dad has hated my Nan for as long as I can remember, and my Dad tried to stop them from seeing me as a child. Both families have punched each other, smashed each others windows and slashed each others tyres and my Dad even has a stab wound.





So I HAVE TO ELOPE, there is no other way. I can't invite one without the other, and so I shall have to elope just me and my partner. This is making me depressed for two reasons:





1. My partners parents wont get to see him get wed


2. I really want the wedding i've always dreamed of.





What can I do? It's hopeless

Wedding Troubles. Please can you help?
Read my answer to your other question. You don't HAVE to elope. Have a wedding, just don't invite your family. Simple really. Tell your family they can't be trusted so they have to miss out on your wedding and they will realise what their idiotic behaviour has cost them. Or don't say anything, just have your wedding without them. Or invite one side of your family only. Like I said before, don't elope, it's not fair that your fiance's family doesn't get to see him get married. He shouldn't be deprived a family with his family because yours can't act properly and his can. Have the wedding you want, DON'T have your family. SIMPLE. I really hope you take this advice.
Reply:IT is very sad that "adults" cannot seem to put their differences aside even for what should be the one of the most special occasions in their childs life.


As a Wedding Officiant I perform many elopements here in Florida on the beach, and I just want to add that they can still be quite lovely (white arches with flowers, tulle, etc.) and you cannot get a better backdrop than the beach.


I for one would elope, take lots of photos and then email them a slidshow to show them what they missed out on because of their stupidity. The wedding is just one day of bells whistles and all the frill, it is the marriage to your soul mate where your dreams are realized.


Best Wishes to you.


www.occasionallyyoursbrevard.com
Reply:You know? this is a tough one because it is either your dream wedding or your dream wedding and a fight. I think the best thing you can do is invite your parents and put them in separate tables, far, far, far apart. Talk to your parents and relatives ahead of time and tell them honestly how you feel. That this is your day, all about you and that if they love you they will stop being so imature and ignorant.


This is not the answer you want, but conversations is the answer to it all, it is your day and they have to be classy and selfless for once in their lives. I am not trying to be rude to your family, your feelings, you nor your situation but they need to leave their problems aside for one day and respect that this is your dream, your day...


Hire security if you have to, and if someone starts, even if it your dad, your mom or even your nana, ask security to take them out of the reception, no matter what, because if they will not think about you and understand that this is your day, why should you think about them and the embarassement of being thrown out of YOUR WEDDING. Warn them ahead of time; Say; " This is my day, my wedding, my dream, and I am going to have everything run smoothly. I will have my father there, my mother and relatives and grandparents and whomever decides not to act like civilized people and make things wonderful for me for one day, will be thrown out. I don't care who you are" Say that to all the people you think may cause trouble. This is your day hun, you should enjoy it!!


Let us know?!? Please?????????????????
Reply:Go to Vegas
Reply:I say symphacy to u
Reply:I would plan the wedding of your dreams and have the wedding of your dreams - without your parents. If they haven't learned to be civil by now, they are never going to learn. It's not fair to you to put your dreams off (especially for your wedding) just because they act like children. You have to remember this is not your fault - it's theirs! They can't blame anyone but themselves for the actions they have taken in the past. If they complain about your decision to not have them there, you will simply explain that you will not feel uncomfortable or embarrassed at your own wedding. You will tell them that this is what you have been dreaming of your whole life and they are NOT going to ruin it for you. Period.





You could always have someone video tape the ceremony live and have it play online so your parents can join in, from their homes.





Good luck and congratulations.
Reply:Just don't invite one and ask forgiveness later. Sounds like you have a winner of a family - maybe eloping with Elvis is a better option. If you have a family that will bring unnecessary drama in to the picture - a family that can't put aside their differences and make you and your mate the center of attention - I'd say you're doomed for your dream wedding. Put your energies into the marriage and perhaps a really nice honeymoon.
Reply:I would invite one parent and not the other.
Reply:Sounds like quite a predicament. If you are going to elope then have it recorded on a video. Maybe even have it done professionally if you can, and make a really nice video of the ceremony. Then you can share it with whomever you want to, when they are available to watch it. Take a cruise and get married. They have some terrific wedding packages where they will take care of everything and even perhaps doing a video for you.





My wife and I got married on a beach on the Gulf Coast, without telling our families and then got remarried later on with a big wedding with all the family and friends.





I know that you want your parents there, but at the same time it's the beginning of you and your finace' life together so make sure to make it about the two of you. Make it what you want.
Reply:Options?





1. Elope quietly, leaving town to do so. Combine it with a honeymoon . . . maybe Vegas or Gatlinburg or a Sandals resort in the Caribbean. Don't take anyone with you.





2. Get married quietly in his parents' living room. Invite no one but officiant, groom's parents, and your two best friends.





You cannot make everyone happy all the time. It's a fact of life, especially when it comes to weddings. You and your groom have to decide what is important to you two personally. A small peaceful event? Or a big wedding with family drama?





What aspects of the wedding are important to you? The dress? The flowers? You can still have those. What is important to the groom? His parents' presence? A wedding cake? Decide what is important, and use those aspects.





You have choices.


1. You can downsize your dreams, realizing that marriage to your groom is the important thing . . . not a big wedding that lasts only one day.


2. You can tell your parents to grow up and act like adults for one day . . . your wedding day. Hire security if necessary to enforce the peacefulness of your day.


3. Elope. Bring home a DVD of the ceremony. Groom's parents can host a post-wedding reception for their side of the family. Show the DVD, and celebrate with them at that time.





The choice is yours.
Reply:Well in answer to number 2 it may sound harsh but you cant have the wedding of your (old) dreams with your family but you can have a new dream like You could go to one of those chapels in Vegas that stream weddings via web cam so you can have the big white dress, bridesmaids and a nice reception say with 20 or so of your friends





Or do what my cousin did


who eloped she made a made a few calls they needed witness they asked her parents to go with them on a Holiday woke the up one day said we are going to get married she had still did the long white dress got married at a lookout had just her parents the celebrant and a photographer.
Reply:Sounds alot like like my parents. My father was not invited to either of my marriage ceremonies.However,if your sure that they will fight,you will have to decide what's more important.....your happiness or theirs. Your going to have to tell his parents as well as your that you refuse to have fighting on your wedding day,and that your making the decision to have a special day just the two of you. NOTHING is hopeless. As long as you have the emotional support of those who love you the most.. Does it really matter what your family or his family think? I have a very loving, and supportive family. My in-laws don't care that much about me....which is their own fault. So do what you feel is best, and have a special day.
Reply:Hi and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!





You have a tough situation. This is almost the exact same scenario as was posted by another bride a few days ago.....so, you are not alone! I know that doesn't help with YOUR situation, though. It seems like you already know the answer, but are just "hoping" for others. To be honest, you really only have a few choices:





(1) And I know you said not to say this.....but.....just have your grooms parents in attendance. If you get flack from your side, then simply say what you said here....."I know you can't be civil, so it had to be this way." And, then add...."it's not fair to [groom's name]'s parents not to be able to attend, as they DO get along!" Really, it's not fair to them to be excluded just because your parents don't get along.





(2) Are you closer to your mom OR your dad. After the divorce, did you live with your mom? Again, I know you said not to say this....but really, why not just invite your mom and grandparents?





(3) Go somewhere just the two of you, along with some friends as witnesses.





I noticed that you must be in the UK the way you spell your words. Not sure where you live in the UK, but whatever you decide and no matter how small your wedding will be.....you can still make it really SPECIAL! I just love simple, small, elegant weddings!





Some options:


Have a small ceremony maybe in a country church somewhere and then go to a restaurant for a reception dinner. OR...why not a ceremony at a bed and breakfast somewhere? Many offer this option...at least here in the U.S. they do.





Get a simple, beautiful white wedding dress. Get a beautiful bouquet of flowers for you and a boutonnierre for your groom. Get a small bouquet for your maid of honor too. Have your day be really special.....go and get your hair and nails done in the morning and pamper yourself. Have you wedding and then spend the money on a fabulous honeymoon somewhere.





Good luck with your decision! I hope you have a beautiful wedding day!
Reply:invite them to a rehersal... if they play up there make them aware that they wont be attending the day....





this is YOUR day good luck...


i know what its like i have a brother and sister that used to try and kill each other, they can sit in the same room now, thank god!





and make sure you tell them that this is YOUR day and if they bring up their problems they are just selfish.
Reply:Why do they hate each other? Is your dad a gambling drug addict? Did your mom cheat on him when they were married? Or are they both bad people? I would invite the parent who's a good person, no longer associate with the bad parent, or if they're both bad, I wouldn't bother talking to them any more - it's not worth the drama you will have for the rest of your life.





If you don't want to do that, then you're right, you aren't going to have the big fancy wedding.
Reply:If your parents cant act civilized for their daughters wedding. Dont invite them.
Reply:My best advise is to talk to both your parents and ask them if they'd want to attend your wedding. Im sure they'll say yes, then tell them that its your special day and you would be very grateful if they both can behave themself on that day. Make sure you don't sit them anywhere close during the ceremony %26amp; the reception. And also, perhaps having a close frend/cousin constantly near them during the whole ceremony may help to assist any disputes that may arise. Hopefully it won't... Good luck!
Reply:I know this may sound silly, and a bit extreme,





but have you considered hiring a "bouncer" - perhaps someone you know that is really big.





And then have your dream wedding.





Perhaps your parents would more civil if they knew that there was a big man ready, willing, and able to toss them at the minute he sees ANY trouble.





You won't even have to think twice, he'll manage their behavior.





Sounds extreme, but your circumstances are a bit extreme.





Just a thought?????
Reply:I think you are looking for ideas about how to have a wedding, and you probably don't want to hear 'just elope'. So here are my thoughts:


Is there anyone you can count on to keep your relatives from attacking eachother? What about hiring security to ensure there are no problems?





You could have two ceremonies - - one with your Dad %26amp; His Family, another with your Mom %26amp; Her family, of course let your partner's family attend one or both, then have a separate reception (on another day if necessary) and do not include your parents.
Reply:If you want a big white wedding, then hav eone.


Invite your family. If they can't respect your day and act like douchebags, then that will reflect poorly on THEM, not you.


I say, have your big wedding.
Reply:Since you seem to be set on having a dream wedding you could hire a few police officers. At my wedding the venue made us hire a police officer since alcohol was being served. Maybe you can hire a police officer or two. Let the trouble making families know that if they act up they will be escorted out or arrested no exceptions. Remember if this happens it is their embarrassment not yours.





Also make sure that Your mother and father are seated away from each other. I had a few people who did not get along seated away from each other and had no problems. They just ignored each other.
Reply:Have a destination wedding at a place like sandals. They do the white dress and all that. . Which are you closer to?


Invite that one . Then have a party later with the other family. That is a way to get out of the drama.'


SO have the wedding you want some where where people Will have to travel. Invite one (mom or dad) then come home and have a reception with the other family.


Good luck
Reply:Ok, this is the time for straight talk. It's pretty obvious you can't invite one without the other, but you and your htb do not deserve missing the wedding of your dreams. You will just have to toughen up, because they have proved themselves uncivil neither is invited. Plan your big beautiful wedding, have your day. After the wedding/reception is over plan a small and sweet "reception" with each side of your family. That way they each get the same thing, nobody gets more than the other and you still get your big white wedding. If it comes down to you just can't have the wedding you want without your mom or your dad, then have them there and the other one will just have to understand. The thing is, if your parents were adults and really cared for you the way they should they would understand the situation and be willing to step aside to see you happy.
Reply:My partner have been having discussions about how to elope without having WW3 too.


This may sound weird but maybe a web cam? That way your partner's parents and even your own can see your wedding in real time no matter where you or they are?


I am so sorry for you, and I hope your wedding will be as wonderful as you dreamed no matter what. At least the man you love will be by your side, that is something to be thankful for :)
Reply:Elope, it's about you two and nobody else.